To Me, My X-Men

For decades now we’ve followed Xavier and his gifted youngsters through countless adventures, cheering on our favorite mutants as they overcame any struggle. However, with so many characters across 50+ years, some mutants are less hero and more zero. 

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1. Jean Grey

Jean Grey’s been around since the jump, effortlessly working her way into our hearts (though maybe that’s just the telepathy). Among her incredible powers like telekinesis and flight, she’s also considered an omega-level mutant and is even more unstoppable as her alter ego, Phoenix. 

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2. Gambit

We’re already a sucker for card tricks but Gambit takes it to a new extreme. With an ability to manipulate kinetic energy, he can turn ordinary items into fully-charged weapons. He also comes with an onslaught of other abilities such as regeneration and telepathy resistance. 

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3. Storm 

Those unfamiliar with the comics were plenty charmed by Halle Berry’s performance—but she’s much more than a pretty face. Often touted as one of the strongest X-Men, she can control weather patterns, take flight, and is also a talented warrior. No wonder she’s worshipped as a goddess.

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4. Matthew Malloy

Matthew Malloy can manipulate reality at will, a terrifying albeit pretty awesome mutation that’s only the tip of the iceberg. He also has telekinesis, telepathy, teleportation, and can resurrect himself (among other things). As you can imagine, his powers have been described as god-like.

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5. Kitty Pryde

We love Kitty (or Katherine) for two reasons: she’s a brainiac and possesses the cool ability to phase through solid matter. She also just so happens to have a pet dragon named Lockheed, which is something else we love. 

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6. Darwin

The movies may have done him dirty, but Darwin remains a powerful X-Man. Equipped with “reactive evolution,” he’s essentially prepared for anything life throws at him. He’ll sprout gills in water, gain night vision in the dark, and can’t get drunk—all good things to have. 

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7. Mystique 

With yellow eyes and blue skin, Mystique’s already hard to ignore…but keep a closer eye on this popular antagonist. Wild red hair and shapeshifting abilities quickly made Mystique a crowd-favorite. She also excels in hand-to-hand combat and is slower to age than the rest of us.

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8. Professor X

How could we talk about the coolest X-Men without mentioning Xavier? He’s an unbelievable telepath who founded a private school, helped Jean rein in her powers (until he mucked that all up), and is considered an alpha-level mutant. And, like Jean, he’s also been around since the beginning.  

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9. Rogue 

Rogue is misunderstood sometimes (thank you, movies) and we’re here to give her the credit she deserves. With the ability to absorb power and memories, she’s not only a powerful mutant but is also incredibly strong—we’re talking Colossus-level strong. 

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10. Magneto

As an omega-level mutant and everyone’s favorite bad guy, Magneto easily possesses one of the coolest mutations. Able to manipulate any form of magnetism, he can fly, create astral projections, and even manipulate the forces of gravity. Oh, and he can even pick up Thor’s hammer.

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Now, while there’s an endless collection of cool mutations, plenty are utterly laughable. Here are a few we’d never want on our team.

1. Choir

Avert your eyes—and ears! As if one mouth wasn’t enough, prepare yourself for sensory overload because Irina Clayton has several spare mouths sprouting from her neck. Looks like button-up collars for you, madam. 

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2.  Bailey Hoskins 

We all sympathize with the self-sacrificing hero, but Bailey Hoskins never signed up to be a walking bomb. We never signed up to support him either, which is why he doesn’t score any brownie points for the ability to blow himself up…one time. 

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3. Stacy X 

As perhaps the raunchiest X-Man, Miranda Leevald’s power allowed her to exude pheromones. That might—might—get you out of a jam, but we don’t need to give our friends adrenaline bursts or give our foes…other forms of stimulation. 

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4. Skin

Stretchy skin or elongated limbs aren’t always a bad thing, but Skin doesn’t have any perks. He doesn’t even have a cool name! He just has six extra feet of grey skin and a pretty forgettable appearance. 

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5. Jubilee 

Some remain camped on the hill that Jubilee is useful, but not us. Yes, thank you for your little color blasts but we don’t really need an immature teenager on the team. Admittedly, her turning into a vampire helped a bit. 

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6. Long Neck

You have telekinesis, you have teleportation, you have the innate ability to bend reality to your will—and then you have Long Neck, who has a long neck. That’s it. May we pour one out for him drawing the shortest stick. 

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7. Jazz

Does the name John Zander mean anything to you? That’s okay, it barely means anything to us. It’s the name of a totally useless mutant named Jazz, whose “ability” was blue skin. Apparently, he didn’t even rap that well either. 

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8. Angel

He’s handsome, he can fly, and he’s pretty good in a fight…but poor Warren Worthington III is hardly worthy at all. His abilities aren’t anything special, especially because other X-Men do them better, and he’s just a boring guy overall.  

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9. Beak

Not only is his name Barnell Bohusk, but his only mutation is that he’s essentially a giant bird. Not a good-looking bird either—just a complete freak show that can’t really fight, can’t really fly, and can see far distances. At least he’s a good guy. 

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10. Eye-Boy

The X-Men don’t need a biblically accurate angel, thank you. Eye-Boy is unfortunately exactly what he sounds like: a boy covered in eyes. Sure, he has X-ray vision and can see in the dark, but being covered in exposed vulnerabilities quickly snuffs out any quasi-perks. 

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